No Tengo Pelos en la Lengua - Iza

No Tengo Pelos en La Lengua 

This post is a personal pieces about my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. It is not meant to reflect the CGIS Granada group as a whole, but rather the way that it has changed my personal life thus far. 

I have been in Spain officially for about ten days now. It's gone by so fast already, and I'm a little scared the rest of my adventure is going to slip away through my fingers. I've been debating about posting these thoughts on the blog or keeping them to myself, however I figured if I have something on my mind while I'm here, I should just share it. That being said, I believe that I've already learned quite a bit, and this is what I have to say:

I was buying my ticket to Barcelona with a friend. During this time she received a call from her sister. Her sister is debating on staying at a school with her full ride scholarship at an in state university that is close to home (safe)or she could go to her dream school which is out of state and more expensive (scary). She said, "I just don't think it's smart," about transferring schools. 

This caused me to begin thinking about something that has continuously made me frustrated and confused about my own life. 

How do we define smart?

Smart by definition means, "very good at learning or thinking about things." 

When I think about being smart, another word comes to mind... success.

How do we define success?

Success by definition means, "the correct or desired result of an attempt." 

I consider myself highly skilled at thinking (or over thinking) things. I am smart. 

I consider myself to have attained my desired, current goals. I am successful. 
Right?

Yet, society tells me, "No."

I am not successful because I am not a college graduate.

I am not successful because I don't have much money in my savings account.

I am not successful because I am not married, engaged, or dating.

I am not successful because I do not have a steady job.

I am not successful because I do not have a 4.0 GPA.

I am not successful because I am not always the nicest person.

I am not successful because I am shy at times. 

I am not successful because I'm not (usually) funny. 

I am not succesful as a whole.

I can relate to my friend's sister an incredible amount. I have spent my entire life making lists of things to accomplish before doing what I actually want. Conquering tasks that I despise to reach some unknown end goal of "perfection." Doing things that I have little interest in to impress a peer, a teacher, a University, etc. I spend countless hours thinking about what it means to be successful. I truly desire to be successful, but what if I already am? 

I am, and have been for awhile now, exhausted by this thought process. I repeatedly try to build my resume, my career, my connections, and my skills rather than build my life. In all honesty, coming to Spain was one of the first things I did because I wanted to. I'm not saying that in the past I didn't want to be a dancer, or to go on trips with friends, or to take certain classes. I've had interests in everything I have chosen to do, but I was always, always able to twist every activity into something that would "benefit" me further in life. 

Where does this truly get me? Who do I have to impress? 

At the end of it all, I want to always feel how I felt the other day at the Alhambra, at the Nerja beach, or how I felt in Guatemala working in the clinic. I want to feel the same emotion I felt when my little sister hugged me goodbye at the airport, or how I felt when my best friends got into their summer programs,or how I feel when I reunite with my high school friends after months of separation. I want to always be in that state, that specific state of emotions I feel every time I visit Grand Haven Beach on Lake Michigan. 

All I've ever wanted was to feel inspired by something. I've just wanted to feel, truly feel everything all the time... 

I don't mean to convey the idea that in the future I'm going to drop out of college and become some world traveling missionary, not because that's a bad career, but simply because that's not who I am.

I'm saying that for the first time in a very long time I have a grasp on what's important to me. I have an understanding of who I am and what makes my life worth living, and thats something different for every person. I will still continue to be goal oriented, high strung, anxious, and forever a list maker. Yet, I'm not so afraid to show the qualities that make me who I really am. I'm not afraid to be transparent or vulnerable.Those qualities that separate me from the crowd which don't have a place on a "successful" resume like: good at making omelettes, cleans when stressed, frequently finds herself lost in unfamiliar places, enjoys going to the grocery store, feels closest to God speeding on the highway, likes cliches, hopeless romantic, flares her nose when she laughs, often too curious about other people, slightly naive, ignorant about politics, and has too many opinions. These are the things people should know about me. These are the truths that I wish American culture was able to share, because here the honesty that my family has showed me, and even other people around the city, has changed the way I view communication. 

Sometimes people say that I am an "old soul," and I feel as though this post conveys a bit of that facet of me. Perhaps, I'm just cliche. Either way, this is what I think. 

I encourage everyone to think about what truly defines success or how you can change your mind to further change your life. You don't have to go far away to find inspiration. I'm someone who is continuously thinking about my personality and how to change. I believe that for me I always find growth in solitude. Nobody truly knows much about me here, and this fact has given me a lot of time to decide who I want to become while I'm here. I'm thankful for many things about my trip to Spain, but so far this time to find inspiration again has opened my eyes to how fully alive I feel. 

The subject of this post - No tengo pelos en la lengua- is a phrase that literally means, "I don't have hairs on my tongue." Figuratively it means that someone "has no filter" or is speaking his mind/ heart. 

Muchos Besos,

Iza