No creo en las coincidencias
When I was a little girl, my great grandfather created art from stained glass. Reflecting back on my childhood, I remember being at my great grandparents house often, and each time I visited I found my Opa in the basement. I always thought that the basement was creepy because there was a giant book shelf of tinker toys in the "play" room. The toys were old and rusty, and they reminded me of horror films. I recall being told to go look for certain things downstairs, or to go play there a few times, and I was always afraid. Just beyond that room was my great grandfather's workshop. What I remember most is the smell. I think I always remember smells more than I remember the visuals of memories. I believe that each time I bring up a memory in my brain, it's some how altered, but I think it's harder to forget or change the idea of a smell.
The smell was a mix of fire, old man's cologne, dust, and incense. There was always something so mystical about it. I don't have an artistic bone in my body, but my great grandfather was a man of many trades. Quiet and serious for most of his life, he was, I believe, a jack of all trades. His interests ranged from gardening, to cooking, to art, history, war.... He knew something about everything, I swear. Then again, most wise old men seem to know something about everything or at least pretend that they do.
As my grandfather got older, I made specific attempts to get to know him. In my younger years, I had lost two of my other great grandparents, and I always wished I could have truly known them as people and not just as my elderly family members.
Around the start of high school I realized how much I enjoyed the company of my great grandfather. As I said in an earlier post, I'm not a huge fan of small talk, and he wasn't either, at least not with me. He'd always cut to the chase, and he'd be up front. He loved that I loved school too. He was the only other family member on my mother's side who had gone to a university. Toward the later years of his life, my grandmother, his daughter in law, told me that he said he saw himself inside of me. I've heard many times that we have similar qualities. I think however souls are made, his and mine were made the same.
Losing him was the first death in my family that I felt I was granted the opportunity to understand death. I was old enough to comprehend the consequences, to see the changes, and to let those changes change me. It's been almost two years now, and I think about him from time to time. Mostly I want to make him proud. He was the most honorable man I'd ever met. I see him in my grandfather today, his son, and I think that's how he continues to live and thrive in my family.
When I decided to come to Granada, or apply to this program, I did it solely on the basis that I wanted, needed adventure. I felt that my life had become a series of monotonous days and due to personal circumstances, I'd learned that life is under no obligation to be easy. I applied online. I was accepted. I signed a contract, and I was in.
As I've lived here for about two or so weeks, I've discovered many unusual coincidences about this city. I'm sure I'll post specifics in the future, but I've had this gut feeling that this trip was something I was meant to do at this time in this specific place. I actually do not believe in coincidences because I'm a cold hard believer in fate, but however you want to think about it, the stars seemed to align for me in Granada.
This idea was confirmed today at the Cathedral.
I am not usually a religious person. I've had my fair share of religious training. I was born, baptized, had my first communion, and confirmed. I've attended almost only catholic weddings and catholic funerals. I've never been to another church or mass that is not Catholic. I grew up in a Catholic family, and I went to church almost every Sunday with my mother and grandparents (unless I could convince my mom that sleep was more important). After Church, we'd always go to my Opa and Oma's house for brunch. This was the only reason I ever truly enjoyed mass. In truth, I tell people it's because I love the Indonesian food my grandmother makes, but I also loved family gatherings. I loved sharing a meal or conversation, and just simply being together. It never needed to be an extravagant event. I was just lucky to know my family the way that I did. I loved that growing up. For this reason, my Great grandfather and church were always somehow tied in my head.
Before coming to Granada, I hadn't gone to church since Easter, and before that since Christmas. I was a "holiday catholic" more or less. I live and die for Christmas mass however, and I enjoy other catholic holidays because those are the only times I can feel passion for my faith or religion while in a physical church. Usually I feel closest to God in other places. I told a very faith-filled friend before I left about my absence in church, you could say she was highly disappointed in me (she's always been a guiding light in my life). I jokingly told her that "maybe I'll find some religious inspiration in Spain." Maybe I was right...
I've been thinking about my Opa recently, for whatever reason. I often think about him during periods of change because I like to wonder about who he thought I was going to be. Then I like to try to be that girl, more or less. So when I walked into the Cathedral today, and I noticed the stained glass, it immediately caught my attention.
The cathedral is filled with gold, paintings, tapestries, high ceilings, elaborate carvings, and magnificent statues. Even so, I couldn't stop thinking about the stained glass. At one point in the tour, I felt a little overwhelmed, perhaps I was just lost in my own thoughts. I got the chills all over my body, and I felt like my Opa Hein was with me, like he was watching me through the stained glass. For a second I swore it smelt like men's cologne, incense, dust, and fire.
I'm a highly faithful, and occasionally superstitious, person. I continue to say that I'm catholic out of respect for my family and the way I was raised. My grandparents are two of the most devout catholics I know, and I have so much adoration for their faith and the way they've contributed to my own religious upbringing. My religious spectrum and my faith spectrum have always been two separate entities and they are always in fluctuation. I truly enjoy it this way because I'm always thinking about what to believe. I think today has caused a few shifts in my thoughts about faith, religion, God, hope, life, death.... One of the things I love about Granada is that there's a bit of everything. There's both an acceptance and appreciation for all types of religions. It's so rich in history from Muslim culture, Catholic culture, and Jewish culture. This is an idea I've struggled with about life in the United States. As I've strayed away from Catholicism in my college years, I've come to understand other religions as well as the people who believe them. I've also learned to appreciate those who don't have a specific faith or any faith at all, which is often difficult for Catholics to comprehend. However, during my more conservative years, I grew to know more about church, practice, and history, and I developed my own beliefs about the ideologies of the church. Granada is some sort of a melting pot of these things. However, it is important to note that the diversity is not just tolerated here, but religions seem to be adored and celebrated by all people. This kind of atmosphere makes me feel at home because at this time my entire life is in a mode of continuous change.
I don't know what the future holds for me, or how I feel about being a catholic, or to what level I want to "be catholic" in the future. I do know that the Cathedral inspired me with its beauty and devotion to catholicism itself. I had pride for it's creation because of my religious teachings. As cheesy as it sounds I felt closer to heaven in that Cathedral than I have in awhile, and for this reason I'm grateful. It gave me a sense of wholeness, like I was doing something right- that being here, in Granada, was a right place, right time, kind of event. I think my Great Grandfather had something to do with that luck.
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